Have you done the inner work needed to build successful relationships?

Are you looking for love, hoping to find the perfect person to meet your emotional and physical needs and make you happy? How is that going? Are you tired of looking, disappointed, and feeling lonely?

Or perhaps you are in a relationship, but it’s not working out as you hoped?

You are not alone. Millions of people around the world are doing the same, and struggling.

How can you change this?

Here are 12 questions to ask yourself to help you figure out which areas need your attention. Explore them with a curious and open mind, not feeling defensive, but with a positive attitude. See what emerges.

1. How well do you listen?

We all have a need to be listened to, but not the same need to listen. Why is that? Being able to listen deeply, with all your senses makes people feel heard, can help you spot the feelings behind the words being spoken, and can help you avoid conflict.

Mostly, we listen not to understand, but to respond, and share what we think. Instead, we need to listen with curiosity, asking questions, and being genuinely interested in others. It’s not something that comes naturally to us, but it’s a skill we can all learn.

It can transform our relationships. To dive deeper and sharpen your communication skills, explore the Guided program on Communication in the app.

2. How well do you understand your own ego?

Our ego operates in the background, hidden from our awareness. It makes us want to be right all the time, exert a subtle power over others, operate from a position of self-interest and use people to fulfil our emotional needs. It can make our relationships transactional — asking — what can this person do for me — rather than the other way round.

Relationships are not a power game — and where there is a power dynamic at work, there is no love.

You may not even be aware of your ego operating in the background. Waking up to it allows you to respond with greater intelligence. You may ‘win’ the argument, but end up losing the person you love.

To understand your own ego so it does not operate in ways that don’t serve you, explore this guided program on The Nature of the I, in the app.

3. How reactive are you?

Our minds are reactive, an external trigger creating a storm in our own mind, which we are convinced is the other person’s fault. We are not aware of this reactive process in ourselves.

If we are stressed or already hurting from old wounds, we are more easily triggered and can struggle to manage our emotions during that storm.

By doing the work of actively calming our own mind we can create a pause between the trigger and our reaction, allowing our intelligence to act.

Explore this Guided program on the Reactive Mind to dive deeper and regain control over your emotions.

4. How do you respond when you feel hurt?

If you are in a relationship, you are going to get hurt. That’s normal. It could be from some unmet expectation, or criticism, or feeling lonely, or jealous, or unloved.

It’s how we respond that determines if the relationship will thrive, or turn into a mini war zone.

We normally react to getting hurt by getting angry, lashing out, or withdrawing and giving others the silent treatment, or walking away.

To explore a more intelligent way to respond, explore this Guided program on responding to hurt with intelligence.

5. How well do you understand and manage your own expectations?

We all enter relationships with a bucket of expectations, only some of which we have examined and understood. Mostly, they operate in the background, and the first time we become aware of them is when they are not met and we feel hurt.

The more expectations we have of ourselves or others, the more likely we are to feel hurt. We feel all our expectations of others are reasonable and justified but may not feel the same of the expectations others have of us.

They are not right or wrong — but just need to be examined and understood, and communicated with kindness and care.

Listen to this podcast on Managing Expectations to dive deeper.

6. Do you think love is how others make you feel, or what you do for them?

The word ‘love’ has many different meanings. To some it is a feeling, and if being with you makes me feel wonderful then I say ‘I love you’. If you stop making me feel wonderful, then I’ll stop loving you. This is why ‘love’ so quickly turns to hate when people break up.

But, is love something more than that? Is it instead putting the needs of others above our own, wanting the very best for the other person, and doing what we can to make them happy?

Explore this Guided program on Love for more insights.

7. Are you aware of your self-interest operating in the background?

Our minds are wired to look after our own interests first. It is part of being human.

Loving someone means changing that to genuinely care for others and their needs. Do you know how to do that?

To begin, we need awareness, to see our self-interest operating in the background, and to be able to put that to one side. It is not right or wrong, but if it is not examined, it can make relationships feel superficial and become transactional. They lack depth and remain fragile, easily strained and not able to cope with adversity.

Explore the Guided program on Self-interest to find out more.

8. How much commitment do you bring to a relationship?

Relationships can be hard work sometimes, and the temptation when the going gets tough is to want to leave. It is always easier to end something than build something. We think the next relationship will be easier, but it may not be, and you will encounter the same issues again.

You will meet other people who are smarter and more attractive along the way — you may be tempted to have an affair, or to leave this relationship and go with someone else. Desire is a powerful force and your mind will convince you that its ‘okay’ and ‘no one will find out or get hurt’.

But they invariably do.

That’s why commitment is important. Explore the Guided program on Desire, to understand how powerful this force is, and how to navigate it with intelligence.

9. Do you believe in changing others so you can feel more comfortable, or can you accept people as they are?

Once you meet someone, there is an initial euphoric honeymoon phase which quickly transitions to one of conflict where you try to change the other person to be more like you — if you are vegetarian you want them to be one too, or the other way around, or you want people to share your political or religious views, or your interests.

This process goes on in the background and creates a lot of conflict.

Accepting people as they are and respecting their choices is a way of loving them. It’s not easy, because it also means accepting other points of view as equally valid.

That involves letting go of our attachment to our own points of view which we may have held dear for so long that they have become part of our identity.

Explore the Guided program on Relationships to explore this further.

10. How easily can you say sorry?

It is surprising how few people know how to say sorry, easily and with meaning.

It is a word that sticks in our throats sometimes. We struggle to admit we made a mistake and were wrong. We can always find clever ways to justify our actions.

But saying sorry is so important because it can heal other people’s hurts, diffuse misunderstandings and bring people closer together. It is a skill we can all learn. It is a sign of maturity and strength, not one of weakness.

Listen to this podcast on The importance of saying Sorry.

11. How self-aware are you? Are you committed to your own personal growth?

We usually look to relationships as a place to feel safe and to get our physical and emotional needs met.

But they are also an opportunity for learning about yourself and for personal growth. Self-awareness can not only reduce conflict and deepen your relationships, but help you find that sense of peace within yourself.

Explore the Self-awareness section of the app for more information.

12. How well do you manage your own anger?

Anger is part of being human and can protect us from harm, but also harm ourselves and others, and damage our relationships.

It is behind the 20% of relationships that experience domestic abuse.

Each time we get angry we assume it’s caused by the other person and lash out, withdraw, or give the silent treatment. Each time this happens unchecked, the relationship suffers — and we damage the one thing we need for our long-term happiness.

Taking ownership of our own anger and managing it carefully can help us avoid this, and use anger wisely.

Explore this Guided program on Anger for more insights.

To find out more, visit the HappierMe website https://happierme.app

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